Friday, February 03, 2006

the hypothetical president

(This was originally written sometime in the summer of 2002)

If I Were the President
( a hypothetical speech )

Ladies and gentlemen of the United States, my distinguished colleagues:

I gather you together this evening to announce my resignation. I can no longer, in good faith, hold this position within the lexicon of world powers. If this sounds as though I am bailing out on my country at a time of necessity for unity, during a time of crisis, hopefully it will not sound as such in a few moments.
First of all, allow me to state that I am also eligible for rehire. It is just that certain conditions would have to be met. I would like to include as well that I wish my successor all the good fortune and blessings possibly bestowed upon a fellow countryman, a fellow human being.
The tragic events of September 11th, 2001 cannot or should not ever be forgotten. There is no way to justify such an act of barbarism and disregard for life. To say that the acts were unprovoked, however, would be stretching the bounds of denial.
Over the course of recent history, the United States has increasingly asserted its presence on foreign soil and become involved in affairs that do not directly pertain to the national interest. At the same time, I fear we have turned a blind eye to our many problems here.
As I ponder the elements that make for decent and respectable foreign relations, it is difficult to overlook the fact that those countries which have chosen a stance of neutrality do not find themselves involved in wartime situations.
Indeed, I am suggesting we withdraw troops from foreign lands and concentrate on the area within our borders. This will not be a simple process, nor will it be a quick one. It is, however, a start. We have the power at our disposal to kill thousands, even millions of people. Others have resources, as evidenced on September 11th, to take the lives of U.S. citizens as well. The mindless toll of meaningless deaths due to war needs to end at some time. This is the time I have chosen to make this one small gesture. I wash my hands of the blood of fellow humans. Murder is insanity and war is murder. Ghandi once said something to the effect of: “An eye for an eye makes everyone blind.”
The U.S. right now is engaged in a war on poverty, a war on crime, and the ever so senseless and futile war on drugs. Now we have engaged ourselves in a war on terrorism. I am suggesting here a new kind of war. A different line of thinking. What I am suggesting is a war on war. Once again, the killing needs to stop at some time. I can think of no other time in history for it to be more appropriate to take this peaceful step.
This is a time to think not of destruction, but of construction. This is a time not to make alliances, for with allies inherently come enemies. This is not a time to think isolationism, for honest commerce between nations is sensible and should be encouraged.
My resignation will take effect at Noon tomorrow. I do not ask for a pension or any special privileges. I can only hope that I have made a point for this great country, as well as the rest of the world. Thank you for your time and for the honor of serving as your president. Peace be with you. Time for a beer. I’m outta here!



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